You’re Beautiful—It’s the Mirror That’s Broken
Find those who value the beauty of your authentic self.
I offered to teach a free 30-minute meditation class to a group of women in the tech industry. I thought it would be a win-win — they would get a free class, and I could sell my meditation book.
The organizer demanded so many changes to my proposal, it seemed like they were granting me an enormous favor by allowing me to beg for their audience.
She also offered to set up another class that I could charge for but cautioned me not to expect much because the group usually refused to pay for “fitness” classes, even though they had no qualms about dropping $20 per person for a technical lecture.
Knowing this wasn’t a reflection of how good I was at teaching meditation, I didn’t feel insulted. I accepted that this group didn’t value wellness classes and didn’t pursue it further.
It’s like setting up a shaved ice stand in Antarctica. If no buyers express interest, don’t take it personally! It doesn’t mean you have a defective product; you just aren’t addressing the right crowd.
I didn’t always have this level of self-worth. When I was younger, I would have taken this incident personally and felt bad. I would have allowed others to define my value. And I would have been persistent in trying to earn their approval.
The Universe often sends us variations of the same lesson until we get it. I got the lesson with the meditation class within 10 minutes, a blink of an eye compared to 30-some years, which is how long I lived as a people-pleaser before waking up.
Years ago, I was in a relationship with a man who was a linear and concrete thinker. This trait was an asset in his profession, where the top employees obeyed orders literally, didn’t ask questions, and executed commands with precision. Even though I wasn’t in the same line of work, he judged everything I did by the same inflexible norms.
Never mind which benchmarks he used to evaluate me — the fact that he was judging me should have been a red flag. Those who love you unconditionally don’t judge you; they accept you.
He constantly criticized me for my nonlinear thinking and creativity. He reprimanded me about petty issues, like the way I cleaned the house. He chastised, “Why can’t you do things the way everyone else does?”
I knocked myself out trying to please him and be the woman that he wanted. Nothing I did was ever right. He wore me down with his incessant nitpicking.
One day, I finally realized that no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I would never be good enough in his eyes. And it wasn’t a reflection of my inherent worth.
With him, I felt like the ugly duckling. Yet being a creative and interdisciplinary thinker has been an enormous benefit to my multifaceted career.
What’s more, the type of thinker that I am and the way I do things is irrelevant to the men who perceive me as a beautiful swan. They treasure me as I am and don’t make me jump through hoops for their approval.
Many people hide their authentic selves to attract and keep romantic partners. They allow others to define the standards by which their value is measured.
There are tons of books, magazines, and websites on how to attract love. Billions of dollars are spent marketing supplements, clothing, makeup, and status symbols like cars to boost sex appeal. Dating coaches educate women on variations of The Rules and instruct men on neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) hacks for gaming females.
What happens once you’ve seduced and “won” your lover? How long do you continue the daily charade of photo shoot-level primping or not voicing your opinions because you’re scared of losing your partner once they discover the real you? It’s exhausting to suppress your authentic self and pretend to be what you’re not.
Unfortunately, a lot of relationship advice focuses on how to change yourself to gain love, as opposed to teaching you how to accept yourself and cultivate a relationship with your greatest love — yourself.
How many average-sized women view themselves as fat because they’re comparing themselves to models (or worse, air-brushed images of models)? According to Business Wire, the U.S. weight-loss industry was worth $72 billion in 2019.
Instead of dieting to conform to someone else’s ideal, how about choosing a man who’s attracted to your type of body? Men who reframe “large” as “voluptuous?” Men who find having some booty to grab incredibly sexy? Men who adore well-proportioned, large-boned females as Amazonian goddesses?
Let’s apply this concept to another area — work. The classic mindset in job interviews is to impress the employer so you’ll be chosen over the other candidates. The mentality is that it’s a competition and the winner is the one who’s chosen. Google, for example, has a reputation for grueling rounds of brainteasers.
There’s a voluminous amount of suggestions on how to ace an interview. Do extensive research on the company and provide unsolicited solutions and improvements. Answer the question, “What is your greatest weakness?” with humility while disguising a strength as a weakness.
Though feeding lines may still be a necessity to get past computer algorithms and human resource gatekeepers, doing it to your prospective manager is brownnosing. You’re giving all the power to the employer to do the choosing.
When you value yourself, you’re not afraid to be authentic. Comfortable in your skin, you have the courage and grace to accept rejection or walk away if the job’s not a suitable fit. In this situation, both parties make a conscious selection. If the interviewer likes you, it’s because you’re genuinely aligned. You’re not trying to manipulate them into picking you.
You are charming in your unique way, but some mirrors may be unable to recognize your worth. So leave the distorted funhouse image behind and find a mirror that reflects and magnifies the light within you.
