How Acceptance Nursed My Broken Heart
Acceptance is the balm that prevents pain from festering into suffering.
Amid struggling with a major crisis in his life, my beloved broke up with me. He apologetically said that he needed to be alone.
A couple of breakups in my past have been agonizing, with the intense pain that made me feel as if my heart had been ripped out and my world view irrevocably shaken. Looking back, they seemed ego-driven, as I suffered from rejection.
This time, I didn’t feel rejected, just a profound sadness for him and us. At the same time, I felt oddly calm. I had never loved anyone this deeply, so wouldn’t my suffering increase proportionately to the amount of love I felt? Was I repressing my feelings?
In the days that followed, I waited tentatively for the gut-wrenching misery to come. Yes, there were tears and sorrow, but I wasn’t languishing in the depths of despair. Then I realized that this foreign feeling of serenity was that of acceptance, plus a bit of equanimity.
Despite my sadness, I appreciated the spiritual growth that this love had nurtured in me. And I noticed that a recurring lesson was about acceptance.
Letting Go: Acceptance of What Is
My practice of letting go originated a few years before meeting my love. It started with letting go of material things in perfect condition that didn’t “spark joy,” as Marie Kondo would say. Then I began releasing relationships that no longer served me.
Next was surrendering control, which continues to be an ongoing practice. I was one of those high-achieving, high school valedictorians who went on to Stanford. Yet I didn’t fit the classic profile of a perfectionistic control freak. I didn’t redo tasks to Martha Stewart standards. Nor did I berate myself if I didn’t receive an A or lost in a sports competition.
Yet I was the queen of optimizing — which is related to perfectionism and control. In one day, I could do what it took the average person three days to do. This skill helped me to succeed in school and at work.
I briefly wondered if there was something I could have done differently to prevent the breakup. Did I give my boyfriend enough space? Did I give him too much space? I had offered my help and support, but he didn’t want to be a burden on anyone.
Assessing that this was my ego mind grasping for control, I knew deep down that this breakup wasn’t about me. It didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do. This was about him and his problems.
Acceptance of Fear
Next, a slight fear crept into my mind that maybe he fell in love with someone else. Or — wait for it — because Mercury was in retrograde, maybe he got back together with an ex-girlfriend. Again, I was able to dismiss these suspicions as coming from my ego.
In fact, I observed that the ego voice was the crazy lady in my head that can sometimes make me feel paranoid. Yup, the crazy lady that tried convincing me that my boyfriend was already married with kids when we met.
Often our fears are more frightening than what we are actually afraid of. For example, the anxiety and fear of being laid off is often worse than the emotions you feel when you actually get laid off. Acceptance — embracing and understanding our fears instead of fighting them, will dissolve them.
So I listened to, laughed at, then let go of the crazy lady’s misgivings and my need to control. Letting go doesn’t denote failure, laziness, or resignation. It’s simply stopping your resistance against the current. Acceptance of the circumstance as it is results in a relaxed flow that, paradoxically, improves the situation.
Acceptance of the Present
Letting go also entails releasing the past and the future — in essence, to be present. My sweetheart excelled at being mindfully present with me, which made me sparkle. As Buddhist Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh said, “The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.”
Though grateful for our good times, I simultaneously grieved over impermanence. I had to accept that the past was over and let go of my attachment to these pleasant memories. Likewise, ruminating over unhappy memories is a masochistic exercise that re-inflicts suffering on yourself. So forgive all, including (and especially) yourself.
As for the future — my boyfriend said that after the crisis subsided, he would want to continue a platonic friendship with me. Upon hearing this, my calm started to disintegrate and anxiety began to bubble up. So, it was personal to me. He didn’t love me anymore. I had been able to accept the present situation because I had hope for our future.
In time, I found peace. Anxiety, which is worrying about the future, is a waste of energy. No one can control the future — the challenge is accepting this very fact — which, in turn, allows one to let go. I gradually let go of my attachment of trying to control the future.
Non-judgment: Unconditional Acceptance
A couple booked the inaugural voyage of a luxury cruise. The wife sprained her ankle, so they couldn’t make the trip. How unfortunate!
Or was it? The luxury liner they were supposed to take was the Titanic. Now, would spraining an ankle and missing a luxury cruise be considered a great misfortune or a blessing?
Likewise, I had created a self-torturing narrative by assuming that my man’s need to be alone meant that he didn’t love me anymore. So, I reinterpreted the breakup from a different perspective: “Because he loves me and doesn’t want to burden anyone, he doesn’t want to drag me down with his problems.”
This reframing of his actions was more consistent with the kindness that was at the core of his being.
With acceptance, there are no judgments, no assumptions, and no expectations. There is no framing of something as being good or bad. It just is what it is.
More accepting of me than anyone I’ve known, he didn’t expect me to impress him with my Ivy League degree. He didn’t define me by my achievements.
He had the insight to recognize, accept, and value the essence of me. “I like you as you are,” he would often say. It was unconditional acceptance.
In following his example of acceptance, I accepted that my beloved needed to be alone, period. No assumptions, narratives, or judgments added.
Compassion: Acceptance of Self
Practicing self-compassion transformed me more than I ever expected. I had been compassionate with others for decades, but didn’t extend the same courtesy to myself — it seemed selfish.
When I started being compassionate with myself, it was easier to establish positive and healthy habits. Using force and will power begets resistance. Self-compassion is listening to your heart’s desires instead of blindly complying with your mind’s commands.
My boyfriend came into my life a few months after I began being more compassionate with myself. Extremely kind and compassionate, he reinforced my fledgling self-compassion practice. Now I continue to treat myself the way he treated me — calling myself, “Sweetheart” and listening to my heart.
Despite the pain from the breakup, I attempted to be compassionate toward my beloved. In doing so, I remembered how he often said to me, “I want to give you the best of me.” And I realized that in the midst of what he was going through, he didn’t feel that he could do that.
I also gained the perspective that breaking up with me could have been an act of compassion — he didn’t want to drag me down with his problems.
These new insights led me to do loving-kindness meditations, wishing him love, happiness, and peace.
Pain is inevitable in breakups, but acceptance made my suffering optional.
